I tried to write a Christmas song to contend for the Christmas Number 1 single - here’s my results

• Christmas songs continue to permeate supermarkets, radio stations and in doing so, our conscious thought.
• But one person took it upon themselves to write a more “relatable” Christmas song this year.
• This is what happens when technology meets the weird mind of one journalist trying to create the next “Christmas classic.”

So I was sitting at home with a couple of people discussing the myriad of Christmas song articles I’ve been penning this season - which led to the obvious complaints.

“I’m sick and tired of Christmas songs,” one person remarked, explaining to me that songs about love or heartbreak aren’t really as relatable as perhaps the artists expected them to be.

Try as I might to argue using the whole “certain time, certain place” regarding how those songs sat upon their first release (“Last Christmas” by Wham! an obvious choice owing to it potentially becoming this year’s Christmas Number 1), when I was met with the following comment.

“If you think you can do better, why don’t you?”

Well….

I asked AI to help produce your next Christmas anthem

I’m not complaining about pay first and foremost, but with a short amount of time to write something, I didn’t have the money to enter a recording studio. Luckily, I have a pretty smart, well, smart phone and roped in a modern producer du jour - ChatGPT.

Explaining to AI that I don’t have a lot of money, but I want to record a Christmas song, Chat GPT suggested that perhaps I try and use BandLab and rope together some samples that they had on offer in the “looper” section.

So heading over and signing up to BandLab, I was met with a plethora of options for looper packs to help create my Christmas ballad. Tired of the jingly, joyful aspect of Christmas songs and very much influenced by the somewhat melancholy of the late George Michael and Andrew Ridgley hit.

Chat GPT also informed me that the best time signature and key for my Christmas song was apparently 110bpm and in C Major, keeping the melody upbeat but the tempo a somber affair’ and having chosen “Bossa Nova Fusion” and, believe it or not, “Atlanta Hip Hop,” I set about trying to create my opus.

Coming up with lyrics to my Christmas song

So the song itself came out quite nicely, considering it was all created on an app on my mobile phone; hopefully you’ll agree that the song has a nice, lounge-jazz sound you could expect in a coffee shop this time of year - maybe a “high-end” supermarket if I’m lucky.

But while the song structure (intro, verse, chorus, bridge, verse, chorus) was completed, the difficult aspect remained - writing relatable lyrics. I’m happily married, have comfortable wealth and my two front teeth, so what could I write about.

Then it dawned on me; what’s the worst possible situation you could find yourself in this close to Christmas. Sorry - what’s “one” of the worst possible situations you could find yourself this close to Christmas in?

The annual Christmas Dinner shop is a relatable topic, right?

So, back to my producer extraordinaire ChatGPT, in which I asked it “Hey Chat GPT - is a supermarket shopping trip relatable for a Christmas song?”

“Yes, absolutely! A supermarket shopping trip is definitely relatable for a Christmas song, especially when it revolves around the chaos and stress of the holiday season.

“It's a great setting for highlighting the frustrations and mishaps people experience while shopping for holiday meals, finding out certain items are sold out, or just navigating the crowded aisles.”

This is years and years of learned knowledge that ChatGPT is espousing here, who am I to argue its creativity?

Lament of the Christmas Shopper

I have a face for radio and a voice for a silent film, by my own admission, but rather than go through the plethora of AI generated voices, I wanted to have at least “some” sense of humanity to the song. It is Christmas after all.

But there was still the matter of what exactly I would be singing about for my shopping themed Christmas song. Then it struck me - what would happen if someone went out at the 11th hour to pick up a turkey for Christmas, only to find out they’ve all sold out and Christmas dinner is ruined.

What about if I was having a conversation with myself regarding what I would expect to happen going home with an alternative to a Christmas turkey, only for my wife/lover/girlfriend to be disappointed about the lack of a turkey?

I asked ChatGPT “Would a song about not getting a Christmas turkey work for a Christmas song?”

“Yes,” it responded, “a song about not getting a Christmas turkey could definitely work as a Christmas song! It could be a humorous and relatable twist on the traditional holiday song themes, focusing on the frustrations that come with the holiday season—especially when things don’t go as planned.

So, I asked it to write some lyrics for me, themed around the style of Serge Gainsbourg, mainly because again - my voice, silent film. It provided a number of options, but I think this verse resonated with me and my friends the most.

“In the supermarket, a frosty morning, I search for the turkey, but it's already gone. The shelves are empty, all I can see, are ready-made meals for the weary ones.”

Sounds distinctly melancholic - off I got into the bathroom which became a temporary vocal suite, with the odd occasion where I’d have to leave the “studio” so someone can come and relieve themselves… then I’d wait five minutes and hop back in.

The result between ChatGPT and myself became a three-plus minute, laid back number I would like to call “Lament of the Christmas Shopper.”

Did you end up releasing your Christmas song?

Sadly, I didn't. I left it too late to enter the 2024 chart race which I thought was only fair to those who had already staked their claim as this year’s Christmas Number 1 contender (wink.)

But there is always the possibility that it could end up on Spotify or streaming services for next Christmas, depending if the complaints for Christmas songs in 2025 are similar to those this year.

Even if I did, what am I going to do with the £0.0035 of royalties I would make from it? Mind you, if you’re a record label looking for the next great Christmas song, feel free to drop me an email - if you’re desperate.

If you liked this story, you might also be interested to find out what are the biggest UK Christmas One-Hit Wonders of all time - check out that article now while digesting whatever you’d call this “composition.”